Newspaper glee

I have many things to sell. Thankfully the Friday Ad and Kent & Sussex Courier give me the opportunity to sell these things I speak of.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

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Friday Ad 09/01/04

The first batch of Robin Gibblett books. I was clearing through the loft and found a small box of them. All in perfect condition. Bargains, all.


Friday Ad 16/01/04

More Robin Gibblett books. As well as being an expert on levitation, the great man also practises the art of transfiguration. Being an expert in both these procedures, I therefore had no need for these books and in the Friday Ad they were plopped.


Kent & Sussex Courier ??/??/04

Well, the loft was finally getting cleared of all these books - at last I could build a magic thinking helmet. I'd need a lot of space, so my box of goatse manuels simply had to go.


Friday Ad 23/01/04

Just as I was putting the finishing touches to the magic thinking helmet, I came across another box of Gibblett novels. As much as they meant to me, I had few qualms about selling them. I had learnt all I needed to from them. Do you see?


Friday Ad 20/05/04

Whilst polishing my helmet, the gleaming reflection revealed a box of books buried beneath an errant swan. My heart told me to leave them - they were treasured tomes from a happy childhood - however my instincts told me to flog the bastards.


Friday Ad 27/05/04

The magic thinking helmet now built, I happened upon a small collection of Gibblett books hidden 'neath a stray bear cub. Before I realised what was happening, I was already selling them for hard cash.


Friday Ad 03/06/04

Trial test runs of the helmet were a little disappointing - my thoughts were only 3% more magical. The enchanted bash-hat needed tweaking. In the mean time, more books were found, sold and gone. Good.


Friday Ad 09/06/05

My loft was a disgrace. During the creation of the magic thinking helmet I had made more mess than ever before. It had to be sold. And it was. To an Arab.



The sad story of Bleaty

Whilst trying to put an advert in the Lost & Found section of the Kent & Sussex Courier, (a goat with a black tongue), we realised that these particular genres of adverts actually cost money. A disgrace.

My colleague Ellen phoned the Courier and told them the story. They then decided to make a news article about the story, which saved us some money.

The plan was for sightings of the goat to be made each week. Each week the goat would have befriended another animal - first a goose, then a kindly owl and so on - like some Disney-esque 'Fantastic Voyage' around Tunbridge Wells.

It all started well, the following week the letters page was full of 'sightings'.

The following week, the papers were rallying behind Bleaty. more was heard...

I had planned to send a pound of sausages to the Courier, with a note saying "Thanks to you I've found Bleaty and here he is."


But I didn't.




Dog Shit

The task was simple.
To see how many different terms for dog shit could get printed in the Courier's letters pages.

Thankfully, they all were. The best letter, however, was not printed. It suggested that to eliminate potential for bacteria, dog turds should be burnt immediately after expulsion.

It all started with a letter from my alter-ego Nancy Bellis:

Kent & Sussex Courier 28/02/03
Howard Thompson claimed dog faeces curtailed the enjoyment of walkers on Tunbridge Wells Common (Courier, February 21)
I am sick to death of complainers like Howard. I suspect he doesn't even own a dog and I'm sure he doesn't appreciate how difficult it is to control a hound's bowels in the environs.

I used to carry a poop-scoop, but found them to be totally impractical to carry and use.

Anyway the faeces is good for the earth.

It's moaning minnies like him who tread in and spread the mess for everyone else to slip in.

Dogs have as much right as humans to use the common.

Nancy Bellis,
Queens Road
Tunbridge Wells

We sent in lots of responses.

Kent & Sussex Courier 07/03/03

Kent & Sussex Courier 14/03/03

Kent & Sussex Courier 21/03/03

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